Making Room for Each Other

by | Nov 18, 2021 | Author, Blog, Books | 0 comments

View this email in your browser For review copy and interview information, contact:
ajenningspr@gmail.com or 903-874-8363.Click here to read an excerpt from Spouse in the House. There are times in marriage when the hustle and bustle of life, the demands of work, and the busyness of the kids have couples desperate for even just a little bit of time alone together. While two’s company, especially for those who love each other, what happens when—due to retirement, working from home, or even running a business together—spouses find themselves spending what feels like too much time together? Times when being in the same space all the time is awkward, complex, annoying, and just plain challenging? How can partners coexist without co-exhausting each other? In Spouse in the House: Rearranging Our Attitudes to Make Room for Each Other (Kregel Publications) Cynthia Ruchti and Becky Melby take a frank and funny look at what to do when time together may seem like too much of a good thing.  Part 2 of an Interview with
Cynthia Ruchti and Becky Melby,
Authors of Spouse in the House
Q: What are some of the conversations you should have with your spouse from the beginning about expectations regarding time, space, and boundaries? What are some of the discussions you need to continue to have regularly?
 
Cynthia: Few people intuitively know what the other person needs. We can develop that skill, but we’re not born with it and we certainly don’t marry into it! In our household, we wasted too many years expecting the other person to know what we needed. But those expectations are always a set-up for disappointment. I had to learn to be frank without being unkind. “Honey, that sounds like a great idea, but what I need is two hours to make progress on <insert task or responsibility> so my mind can be free to just enjoy our time together. Does that work with your plans?” We learned the magic of offering options. “Would you like to work on repairing the screen door first or should we tackle figuring out our vacation plans before you get started? Or, would you like me to do some research before we have that discussion?” In other words, any bottleneck of time or space in a marriage is a prompt for discussion and conversation, whether a couple is anticipating an upcoming time of extended togetherness, working through the ordinaries of life, or blindsided by an excess of side-by-side as with a sudden caregiving situation. If we’ve built a habit of kind, thoughtful, respectful conversations about our needs—and our desires to accommodate our spouse’s needs—we can find ourselves in a much more peaceful atmosphere when the tough questions arise.
 
Even discussions such as, “How many details do you want to know?” can reveal what our comfort level is. And the answer can change when the “togetherness” factor is different. Details that once overburdened my husband when he was working full-time out of the house are now welcomed. Who knew? (Answer—those who keep having conversations as the seasons change.)
 
Becky: It’s important to talk about the “dailies.” When we’re both home, how do we divide household chores to maximize efficiency? How much alone time do we each need? What do we need to reconfigure to create functional and inspiring work areas? Scheduling regular “check-in” dates gives you an opportunity to address irritations before resentment sets in. Work together on a set of questions to chat about while you take a walk or a drive: “Do you feel like we had enough quality talk time this week?” “Are you getting the alone time you need?” “How are we doing with sharing daily chores?”
 
Q: How should you work out the annoyances that are bound to come up around the house? After being married a long time, why do they seem to be more of an inconvenience now?
 
Becky: The little things we managed to ignore or tolerate when we were only together a few hours every day can turn into major sources of irritation when they happen All. The. Time. Even after years of marriage, we can think we know how our spouse prefers to be approached about what’s bugging us, but if we haven’t talked about it, we might be wrong. Would he prefer you use a bit of humor? Maybe side-by-side in the car is easier than the intensity of face-to-face, or maybe a note or text would give him time to ponder an answer without overreacting. How about you? If your spouse is frustrated by your habit of leaving lights on in every room, or all the cupboard doors open, how can he bring it up in a way that won’t set you on the defensive?
 
Cynthia: Ask anyone who has had to move their family to the in-laws’ basement while their home is remodeled or who are sequestered in a hotel room while their home’s flood damage is repaired. Togetherness and tighter quarters are a breeding ground for annoyances, no matter how long you’ve known one another or how much you love each other. In the book, we discuss converting what can be annoyances or irritations into either opportunities for the application of humor or a chance to show uncommon grace and courtesy. One path—letting the irritation fester—leads to destruction and bitterness. The other path—granting a “pass” and not allowing the irritation room to grow—leads to an atmosphere of peace.
 
Q: Can you offer some tips for families that find themselves home together now, maybe homeschooling and a new work-at-home situation? If both parents work jobs from home, where is a good place to start discussions of the division of labor?
 
Cynthia: In most couples, one is clearly a more linear-thinking, organized personality. The other is likely more spontaneous. But together all the time or work from home or running a business together from home situations call for some measure of preplanning and organization. Tip #1: Figure out, if you don’t know already, your best learning styles. Are you a visual learner/processor or an auditory processor? Do you appreciate detailed plans on paper, in color, with pictures? Tip #2: Play to your strengths. Which of the two of you are naturally more skilled at jobs that don’t take a lot of thought but do take a lot of endurance? Which is better at homeschooling math help, for instance? Can the other then get more involved in the art projects? Is emptying the dishwasher no big deal to one of you and torture for the other? That’s a no brainer then in division of labor. Tip #3: Jettison the idea that it will ever come out looking like a precise 50/50 balance of tasks. Even our stamina can differ from person to person.
 
Becky: For starters, take some time as a couple and as a family to talk about all that is good about this new arrangement. Let every family member finish the sentence, “Now that we’re all home more, I hope we can ______________.” Make a list of all of the ideas that come out of this family meeting. Including the kids in creating a who-does-what-when chore chart can help them take pride in doing their part. Built-in rewards can help motivate everyone, including Mom and Dad. 
 
Q: Why is it important for both husband and wife to spend times separately, with friends of their own?
 
Cynthia: The concept of symbolically becoming “one flesh” as the Bible describes it doesn’t mean we don’t each still have our own hair, nails, bones, skin, and brain. I can either make my man miserable by insisting that he participate in every activity or hobby I enjoy, and vice versa, or we can each have our own things—our own hobbies, our own reading interests, our own cadre of friends, our own space for what fills our soul—and wind up with more to talk about together because of it.
 
Becky: The right kind of friend, one who believes in your marriage and cares enough to speak the truth in love, can be a marriage saver. Ideally, every woman should have a confidante she can vent to when things are rough, knowing that friend is going to listen, then compassionately turn her heart to God and back to her husband rather than adding fuel to the fire. We also need girlfriends just for fun. A day spent antique shopping, baking together, going to an art show, or a dinner-and-a-chick-flick girls’ night out can lift our spirits, change our outlook on life, and give us something fresh to talk about when we get home.
 
Q: What single piece of encouragement would you offer to someone preparing for life with a full-time spouse in the house?
 
Becky: Embrace the word “Ours.” In the days leading up to 24/7 togetherness, ask God to change your heart, to show you attitudes that need to be adjusted to allow you to focus on all that is wonderful about having, and being, a spouse in the house.
 
Cynthia: Never stop investing in exploring the depths of what a healthy relationship can look like. There’s no coasting in marriage, no matter how young or mature it is. We have to keep paddling or we’ll find ourselves in unexpected, churning, roiling rapids with no life vest. About the Authors Cynthia Ruchti tells stories hemmed in hope through her novels, novellas, devotions, and nonfiction, and through speaking for women’s events, retreats, writers’ conferences, and workshops. She draws from 33 years of experience writing and producing the 15-minute daily radio broadcast, “The Heartbeat of the Home.”
 
Ruchti’s more than thirty books have garnered reader, retailer, reviewer, and other industry awards. She serves as Professional Relations Liaison for American Christian Fiction Writers, is a founding board member of the Deliver Hope ministry and is part of the worship team at her church. She’s also a literary agent with Books & Such Literary Management.
 
Ruchti and her husband, Bill, live in the heart of Wisconsin, not far from their three children and six grandchildren.
 
Learn more about Cynthia Ruchti and her writing at cynthiaruchti.com or by following her on Facebook (@CynthiaRuchtiReaderPage), Instagram (@cynthiaruchtiauthor), and Twitter (@cynthiaruchti).
 
Becky Melby has authored more than twenty novels and novellas. Spouse in the House is her first non-fiction book release.
 
The Melbys have four sons and fifteen grandchildren and make their home in southeastern Wisconsin. When not writing or spoiling grandchildren, she may be found touring the country with Bill in their camper or on their Honda Gold Wing motorcycle.
 
Find out more about Becky Melby’s books at beckymelby.com or follow her on Facebook (becky.melby.9) and Instagram (@beckymelbybooks). She also shares short blog posts each Friday on the Fill My Cup, Lord page on Facebook.TwitterFacebookWebsite  Copyright © 2021 Audra Jennings PR, All rights reserved.
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