Maggie’s Ten Commandments of Friendship

A friend loves at all times. Proverbs 17:17

Whether you’re in your younger or later years, married, single, or single again, working in the home or out of it, too, friendships matter. Deeply. And relationships that matter deeply can easily get messed up. Majorly.

I’ve been speaking about the friendships of women since the early 1990s. I know that makes me practically ancient, but the topic will never be. We don’t outgrow our need for friends. My mom, age ninety-four, lives with us and came home today glowing after a lovely luncheon with some other widows she’s met. She has new friends! I felt like a proud mama. (Oh wait, she’s mine.)

Wouldn’t it be fabulous if we could make friends as easily as we did when we were four, when we just grabbed the hand of the nearest girl at the playground and were instant BFFs, banded together against grubby boys with their crud and cooties? When we grew up together laughing at the same jokes and passing notes (maybe you texted) after those same boys turned out to be super cute?

But, as we all know, friendships can be full of theatrics too. High drama. And it can hurt.

Years ago, I came up with what I dubbed my Ten Commandments of Friendship. They’re inspired by Scripture[i] but are clearly not, so to grant them a bit more gravitas, here’s the King James version:

1.Thou shalt never put thy friendships above thy God. Who do you turn to first when you’re troubled or need direction? Do you get on the phone or go to your knees? We need to be careful not to make our friendships a higher priority than Christ’s lordship. Do you expect from friends that which only Jesus can truly provide? It’s a setup for disappointment. He alone is our hope.[ii]

2. Thou shalt cherish thy friend for who she is, not for who you want her to be. Ask yourself if you ever unconsciously gravitate toward someone who seems to have special status.[iii] Our culture worships idols. Don’t make your friend into one.

3. Thou shalt not talk about thy friend in her absence as thou wouldst not in her presence. Protect your friend in the presence of others. Don’t say things that reflect negatively on her if you haven’t taken it to her first.[iv] Her name needs to be safe in your mouth. And guard those prayer requests! Without prior permission, her story is not yours to tell.

4.Remember thy friend’s special days, to keep them happy.The attribute of friendship I cherish most is thoughtfulness. Not just the obligatory birthday card or call but to know a friend is “full of thought” for you and you’re not just their afterthought. Time is a gift without price.[v]

5. Honor thy friend’s father and mother and spouse and children. I’ll never forget the Saturday when I took our five preteens and an elderly friend to the local mall. My friend Catherine, a highly successful businesswoman who hated shopping, was running a quick errand when she ran into us—me all frazzled and octopus-armed, trying to corral my tribe to go home. Without missing a beat, Cath insisted she needed someone to see a kids’ movie and get popcorn, and in an instant, all five kids left with her. I tell you this: No greater love hath a woman than to lay down her free time for a friend.[vi]

6. Thou shalt not kill (quench) thy friend’s spirit. Have you ever unintentionally knocked your friend’s ideas or dashed her dreams? Have you lectured when she needed you to listen instead?[vii]

7. Thou shalt not be unfaithful to thy friend, forsaking her friendship for another’s. Loyalty.[viii] Along with thoughtfulness, is there any quality more important than this one?

8. Thou shalt not take from thy friend time that rightfully belongs to another.Friendship is considerate, not controlling.[ix] We shouldn’t take time that belongs to a friend’s family. My longtime friend Debbie has forgiven me ages ago, but I still ruefully recall the time I kept her on the phone for four hours. And we both had small children! (They all survived, thanks be to God).

9. Thou shalt not lead thy friend into gossip. Our culture no longer takes gossip seriously, but it’s a big deal to God.[x] We might call it sharing or “concern,” but if we casually conduct unconstrained conversations about others that we wouldn’t have in their presence, it’s scuttlebutt. Scuttle it.

10. Thou shalt not envy thy friend’s good fortune but rejoice with her. Jealousy between friends? It happens, and it’s ugly. Even as we share in our friend’s pain, we also need to be glad, genuinely glad, when she is honored.[xi]

Observing these friendship commandments may be as challenging as keeping the original ten, but we’ll be better for it.

And so will our friends.

Points of Connection

1. Look at the first three “commandments.” Have you ever elevated a relationship above Christ’s lordship? How can we avoid favoring others who can return the favor in some way? What are some practical ways we can protect our friends in the presence of others?

2. Review the next three principles. What are some ways we can demonstrate thoughtfulness in our friendships? How can we “honor” a friend’s family? Listening is one of the greatest gifts we can give a friend. Can you recall a time when you were given that gift?

3. As time permits, consider the final four commandments: loyalty, consideration of others’ time, constructive conversation, and avoiding envy. What areas do you potentially need to work on?

LifeLine: Remember Mom’s advice? It’s still true. The best way to have a friend is to be one.