Q: Hope After Betrayal originally released more than 10 years ago. What has been updated and revised in this new edition?
In the original book lessons and tools were written through three fictional characters. Readers walked with Tammy, Stephanie, and Renee and watched their various reactions and choices play out. In the new edition, I have added a Fourth voice, Dee Dee, with an ethnic feel so more women find themselves in the pages. She was added after I lead a group primarily of women of color. I realized although the pain is the same, and the tools still apply, there was a cultural element missing. These precious women helped me get Dee Dee’s voice right, and she enters in chapter one when she discovers her husband’s sexual betrayal. A woman shows up at her door carrying her baby, fathered by Dee Dee’s husband.
In addition, I have continued to walk with women while committing to be a lifelong learner. Over ten years ministering, reading, and connecting to experts and counselors in this area I have gleaned a lot of new information. I wanted to pass this new perspective on to the next generation of women seeking help.
Q: How long was it after your husband’s disclosure of his betrayal that you first wrote Hope After Betrayal? Now, ten years down the road, what do you know now about the process of healing that you didn’t know then?
Writing the book began about two years after my husband’s final disclosure. He had opened the door a couple of years prior with a partial confession, but I glossed over it with denial and an unhealthy outlook. The actual process of writing the book, editing, and re-writing turned out to be in important part of my own healing journey. Writing the book took three years, but the healing process would take much longer. Ten years later, I now see healing is an ongoing life time process. After at least 5 years, Dave and I moved away from sexual addiction (SA) issues, but there are plenty of lies to uncover and lessons from the Lord in general to keep us busy for the rest of our lives.
Q: You first learned that your husband had an addiction to pornography. After a while of processing his sexual addiction, you learned it went much deeper and he had not been completely honest about his problem. How did you respond to his confession? Did you ever think about leaving rather than trying to work it out?
Learning the first time that your husband has betrayed you in the most intimate of ways is beyond description, but multiple disclosures raise the pain level and lengthen the healing process. They also can lead to PTSD symptoms and a higher probability for divorce. My first response was that I wanted the pain to end and divorce seemed like the only way. I thought since I had Biblical grounds that was it. However, I knew enough not to make such an important decision in an initial state of shock. I needed to hear from the Lord what His will was. When I did, He simply asked me to wait.
It took some time to see my husband was serious about doing his own hard work before I fully put my heart back into the marriage. It’s important to state every case is different. Some women get the okay from God to file in the courts of man that which has already happened in the courts of heaven. You see, I was divorced, the covenant was broken, but God was able to restore it because both of us were willing to change. Picking one scripture to justify any decision is dangerous. It’s always best to hear God’s heart in each case. Divorce should never be chosen quickly or lightly.
Q: What was your first step towards healing?
I’m trying to think, “What is the first step when your whole world blows up?” Literally, you would be unconscious, then wake up in some hospital. Then you would follow the doctor’s orders until you regained some strength. The same is true when it is an emotional explosion. I was in shock for weeks, then I reached out for any and every resource I could find. Dave and I each had a counselor, were in respective groups, read lots of books, and set up a spiritual care team based on the book, Restoring the Fallen by Earl and Sandy Wilson (no relation). All those choices would then lead us to the first steps once we had the strength to take them.
Q: Why is there such great power in transparency? When is the right time to air our dirty laundry?
True intimacy is birthed in transparency. I heard intimacy described as in-to-me-see. This type of vulnerability is risky, but worth the reward when reserved for mature, safe people. I used to wear my heart on my sleeve seeking deep connection but found myself open to injury instead. Now I slowly look for people whose walk I admire and who have proven trustworthy and seek them out.
Care is taken, and not everyone gets the same access. But even the few hurtful situations brought growth. Learning to live carefully with an open heart has brought far more joy than pain.
Caution also applies to information shared as everyone doesn’t deserve to know every detail. Dirty laundry needs to be aired, but only in the right environment. There is far too much “sharing” online in a public forum with too many tentacles to manage. Safe people keep private information private and save important discussions for face-to-face or one-to-one forums. Social media offers a false sense of connection that leaves most people feeling isolated and injured. Better to have one close safe friend than 10 million likes.
Q: How important is it to find a support group to help you on your journey to healing? How can churches better provide a support system for their members?
There is a reason God warns about not giving up meeting together. We are injured in community, and we heal in community. Support groups are a great place to air your dirty laundry with others who understand and have the same issues. Since as Christians we are the church, we need to value and model vulnerability and transparency. When our flaws are made known, it gives other permission to allow their flaws to be in the light. Only then can God address the sin that brought us to Him in the first place. Christ is the standard of perfection, not because we can attain it, but to show us each day how much we need Him. We make far better examples when we are honest about who we were when God found us. We should point others to the Christ who changes everything, instead our pointing out our successes. Every good thing in my life is because of Christ, and anything still needing work is evidence of my humanity yet under grace.
Q: Tell us more about the format of the book.
This book is a quick read even though there is a fire hose of information. The book opens with my story, then the reader follows the four stories through discovery or disclosure which feels like a blackout. We then see them wander with a shroud of shock and pain until they arrive at those first precious glimmers of hope. Our four fictional guides: Tammy, Stephanie, Renee, and Dee Dee demonstrate the different ways women go through the healing process as well as ways women get stuck. Whether the reader identifies with Renee’s and Dee Dee’s explosive anger, or Tammy’s rose-colored glasses approach, each chapter covers key concepts. The reader can then apply those principles to their situation through the “Lies vs. Truth” exercises and the journal prompts at the end of each chapter. The more time the reader takes for personal reflection, the more she will gain. Later, when we get to the more challenging topics of grace and forgiveness, there are additional resources offered to help them navigate.
Finally, the last chapter gives the man’s perspective as it was written by my husband. He has come into my groups for questions over the years, so we collected the most common questions and had him answer them here. It’s my favorite chapter.
Q: What is God’s definition of hope, and how does it differ from our worldly definition?
The world uses the word hope as a dream or wish for something to happen. God’s word is far more potent. It is the certainty of things yet unseen. The fuel of faith ignites our hope. I see every day how finding hope takes a woman weakened by shame and devastation and makes her strong, providing resolve and trust that the Lord is with her. Hope makes all the difference. Hope is what got me through.
Q: What do you mean by learning to live in freedom rather than fear?
Freedom comes when we can hold two opposites at the same time. The world is broken and scary, and God is good and faithful to use everything for good. The first half alone is true, but it brings only fear. The second half by itself is also true but without the first part is simply denial. Holding both in faith brings freedom. We must fight to stay in this place for there are always forces picking on us one way or the other. It’s about staying as close to the Lord and the truth as possible.
Q: What responsibilities does a wife have in her husband’s recovery?
A wife has zero responsibility for her husband’s choices, healing, or recovery. However, she is 100% responsible for her own choices and responses. After an explosion occurs the rubble must be sorted and removed. In the beginning, both parties are seeking the Lord on their own, leaving the other to do the same. Once the debris is removed and it’s clear that both parties want to re-build, then they can begin working together. However, to start trying to re-build before the rubble is removed is futile. When the responsibilities of each individual get blurred, it slows down and complicates the healing process. In the beginning, they should be accountable to wise counselors, not each other. They should check in, but neither one has the strength to help the other.
Q: In the introduction of the book you write that as you have walked the path of recovery with women of color, they’ve taught you there are distinct cultural differences on their journeys. What are some of those differences that you highlight in the book?
I would not dream of speaking as if I could represent women of color, but there were some brave women who helped guide me and I am so thankful. One key difference in some cultures is the men don’t just use porn or have affairs, they have babies. This was a layer I had not covered previously. Some cultures foster a male centered or “macho” environment which brings different challenges to a woman trying to find healing and her own voice.
Q: When couples have children, what are some of the things they need to remember while working through their marital problems? How did you discuss what was going on with your daughters?
Parents need to understand that the painful process they are in will be traumatic for their children. I have learned there is no way around this fact, but knowing this, parents can seek to minimize the damage. They should get the help their kids need, or will need, when they are older. Having a counselor where they can process their feelings is so important. It’s vital that parents keep their children out of their conflict and never talk poorly about the other parent. If they witness conflict, make sure they see a resolution too. Parents also need to address the tension in the home. Kids know more than you think. Secrets are scary and toxic. At least to say, something like, “Mommy and Daddy are dealing with grown-up issues. Sometimes being married is hard, but we are working on it and we love you.” Say whatever is true, comforting, and age appropriate.
Our girls were older, so we tried to be honest, but keep the information to just what they needed to know, then let their questions lead. Secrets may feel like the safe road, but they grow lives of their own. Let the Lord lead on timing and what to share.
Q: How does your husband feel about your ministry and the fact you have been so open about the darkest times of your marriage?
This is covered in his chapter and is a question I ask him on a regular basis. I never want to help others at the expense of my husband or family. He is the reason there is a book and a ministry, because if he wasn’t comfortable, it would not have happened. It is such a joy to see him speak to other men and to stand up and say, “That is who I once was.” Freedom from shame is powerful to behold. I could not be prouder of the man he is today.
Q: What other resources are available to go along with Hope After Betrayal? Where can readers find out more?
In addition to the book, I have created a workbook for individual or group work. Hope After Betrayal Ministries offers 12-week groups both locally in Vancouver, WA as well as remote groups attended virtually from any location. The blog section of the website offers support as well as the resources section for other books and articles around the topic of SA.