Welby O’Brien – Love Our Vets: Restoring Hope for Families of Veterans with PTSD
Donna: So tell me a little more about your book: Love Our Vets.
Welby: When I first started dating my husband, he told me right off that he had PTSD. I didn’t understand what that meant. He is a Vietnam vet. I realized this is an exceptional man and this is a relationship worth fighting for. So I learned everything I could. At that time, there wasn’t a lot of information out there about PTSD.
So we got counseling and lots of prayer. I needed to know if it was possible to have a loving, fulfilling relationship in spite of the PTSD. That was the bottom line for me, and the answer is yes! We’ve been married eight years now, and it continues to get better and better. Neither of us has experienced such a fulfilling relationship before. Of course the PTSD will always be there and it manifests itself differently in every person and every situation. So maybe our daily challenges are different from others. I personally needed to realize a few things; I needed to learn it isn’t me, I can’t fix it, and the importance of taking care of me. I connected with a couple of other wives and started a support group in our living room, and that has blossomed into a national support network Love our Vets – PTSD Family Support. I started keeping a journal over the years, questions that I had, things that I have learned, things that I have been through in counseling. There were many common questions and issues. I decided to start writing and I came up with 62 questions that we deal with as loved ones. A whole section of the book is about questions and specific issues; what do I do when they can’t handle the weather, what about sleep issues when they can’t sleep, how do I take care of me, what do we do when socializing with families and friends, etc. We updated the book last year and added some new things.
So that’s the first main section of the book – questions that we loved ones have that are unique to us.
The middle section is all about taking care of me. As care givers, loved ones, we can burn out. It is called compassion fatigue.
And the last section is all input from different people, little snippets of things that have helped them, things they had to work through, and little sayings. It’s not a book that has to be read from cover to cover. You can use it as you need it, when you need it. There is a collection of little treasures in the appendix too. So that is the book, Love Our Vets.
It’s primarily for the loved ones, wife, spouses, girlfriends, parents, siblings and friends of the veterans suffering from PTSD, and many of the principles can apply to people who are not veterans too with PTSD. One of the biggest surprises to me is I totally intended this to be read by the loved ones but the veterans are reading it too. They are saying thank you, somebody finally understands me! My passion is to get the message of hope and help because there is so much out there that is so negative on PTSD. I have collected resources over the years and they are on the website.
Donna: Does it ever go away? Can it be healed?
Welby: That is highly debated right now. There are a lot of people claiming they’ve got solutions and I am quite leery of them. There are lots of people capitalizing on PTSD right now. It is a hot topic in the media. I have not yet seen anything that makes it go away 100%, however, there are amazing resources and therapies emerging every day. The hope is that it can be helped. They can learn to thrive again. I have seen my husband transformed. It’s been 45 years for him, and in nine years that we’ve known each other, the depth and intensity of his symptoms have improved greatly.
One of the things my counselor shared with me is that trauma changes the brain. PTSD is not just a psychological thing; it’s physical. The body is permanently reprogrammed. The initial trauma kicked them into that survival mode and now the PTSD causes them to stay locked in it at some level for the rest of their life. So the brain and everything can get easily hijacked, triggered by anything taking them back to the original trauma, and suddenly they are in the battle field or whatever that trauma was. The good news is that they are finding that over time, love and faith and connection with good people will create new neural pathways in the brain. I am sure that is what is happening to my husband.
Donna: That’s a fascinating study.
Welby: The bottom line is that there is no 100% cure because the trauma was an event and you can never erase something that has happened to you; but you can manage it, and you can learn to thrive again. PTSD is a normal reaction to an abnormal event.
Donna: For military personnel, are the holidays like Memorial Day and July 4th harder for them?
Welby: They can be. Anything that reminds the person of the trauma, whether it’s a conscious reminder or not, can be a trigger. I could be a smell, a sound, or a date. One thing I encourage people to do is sit down and talk about those dates. Make note so that every September 4th (or whenever)you understand why they are acting like that.
Donna: I think sometimes as Christians we think we should be able to overcome it. Do you have that guilt why am I not healed or why can’t I get through this with God?
Welby: That’s a really good question. I think as Christians we can be that way about all the things that we want healed. When I started dating my husband, I got together all the scripture verses I thought would help and fix him. Not realistic, obviously. There are good verses, and they are comforting but they are only a piece of the puzzle. God never promised to take away all of our pain and struggles, and the promises He has given us is that He uses them for his glory, and for our good. That’s the amazing thing about the Lord! He uses trauma hopefully to drive us closer to him. There are a lot of people who have been through trauma, a lot of the veterans come back bitter and angry at God and just have totally lost their faith. That disconnect really needs to be address. They need to be welcomed by believers, and in fact I have an article blog on my website called ‘Ten Things People with PTSD Need from Ministry Leaders and Church People’ – so it really covers the basics.
There is such a difference between those who are bitter and don’t want anything to do with the Lord and those who are dealing with the trauma with the Lord. It is the same pain but there is a comfort. The other thing about trauma is that it makes a person feel terribly alone, and that’s one of the most terrifying things about that moment is the ‘I am all alone.” Faith and love are my two keys: faith is connection with the Lord, love connection with others. You are not alone anymore, and you’ve got somebody to go with you through the ups and downs.
Donna: Anything else you would want me to like share about the book or your website?
Welby: PTSD can affect anyone and it results from being exposed to a traumatic experience where you feel your life is threatened or something horrific has happened. So if you have a severe illness or any kind of crisis you can be impacted; it isn’t just military.
Welby: The bottom line is to encourage people to look at the resources to get the help they need. www.LoveOurVets.org Resources for help and the support for connection. That’s for the individual with PTSD as well as the loved ones. Resources and support, and of course, the book, Love Our Vets. 🙂
Welby O’Brien is one of a kind. She may be a nationally sought after conference speaker and guest lecturer for groups and leadership training. And an expert on practical advice, including divorce, grief and PTSD. But what sets her apart is that she has lived it herself, researched it, and shares it all with hungry hearts. Impassioned with encouragement, Welby has been touching many with help and hope.
Welby O’Brien holds a teaching degree from Biola University and a Master’s Degree in counseling from Portland State University. She is the author of Good-bye for Now, and Formerly A Wife (WingSpread Publishers/A Division of Moody Press), and LOVE OUR VETS: Restoring Hope for Families of Veterans with PTSD. She is also a contributing author to Chicken Soup for the Soul: Divorce and Recovery, Chicken Soup for the Soul: The Spirit of America, as well as Shepherding Women in Pain (Moody Press). Actively involved in leadership and teaching for over 30 years, Welby has also been a welcomed guest on radio and television, as well as a featured ‘expert’ in video productions.
Welby initiated and facilitates the national support network called “Love Our Vets: PTSD Family Support” (www.loveourvets.org). Her most recent book is LOVE OUR VETS: Restoring Hope for Families of Veterans with PTSD (Deep River Books). She was recently honored as Woman of the Month by Oregon Women’s Report.
She and her husband live in Portland, Oregon.
Join the Love Our Vets PTSD Family Support page on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/LoveOurVetsPtsdFamilySupport